The Unicorn, Or: A True Story For My Entertainment

And thus, the brave young unicorn sprung forth and slew the giant nincompoop, saving everything the light touched. The people rejoiced and roasted the nincompoop in celebration, after which they suffered from terrible food poisoning. Many died, and many more sunk into debt and despair due to their medical bills. In response, the unicorn tried his hand at shitting gold, and lo and behold! He failed, for he shat naught but rainbows. The people cried at first, until a dubious-looking tiny fellow with a pointed hat proposed to trade the answer to all their troubles in exchange for the king’s daughter. The folk cried ‘Aye!’, then ‘Nay!’, for the king had no daughter! There was only a son, woe is them! The tiny fellow shrugged once, then twice, and accepted the lad for his spouse, for the king’s son was a dashing fellow. If need be, he could all but pass for a lass if he donned a wig of straw. And so it passed, and the king’s son loved the tiny fellow deeply, and alas, the tiny fellow did not return his love. Good tidings came to the king’s son, though, for the tiny fellow died of old age soon after their marriage. His sole surviving family member and heir to all his belongings – including the king’s son – was the nephew his twin brother had conceived with a mermaid. The nephew was a good boy, and although he never spoke and rather disliked walking, he loved the king’s son very much, and the king’s son loved him. Together, they lived in a castle high atop a mountain overlooking the most beautiful valley on earth, called The Most Beautiful Valley on Earth. They grew very old and had many fish together, mostly Koi, that they cared for well. One of them even grew up to be an oracle, another later fathered Moby Dick, and yet another wrote an epic that was taught in school’s all around the world until people forgot about it. And all was well.

Also, the people learnt from the tiny fellow the secret of the pot of gold at the end of every rainbow, so with the unicorn’s rainbow shitabilities they paid off all their debts and lived happily ever after, but always in moderation, for they were not lustful, greedy or gluttonous.


The end.


One thought on “The Unicorn, Or: A True Story For My Entertainment

  1. Pingback: Notes on Nincompoop |

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